How to Tell Your Kids

This Is the Hardest Part

You can handle the lawyers. You can deal with the money. But sitting in front of your kids and telling them their family is changing — that's the one that breaks guys. There's no way to make it painless. But there is a way to do it that minimizes the damage and sets the right tone for everything that comes after.

Here's how.

Before the Conversation

Get on the Same Page with Their Mother

If at all possible, have this conversation together. Kids need to see that both parents are united on one thing: their well-being. Plan what you'll say in advance. Agree on the key messages. If you can't be in the same room without it turning into a fight, have separate conversations — but coordinate the message so the kids hear the same thing from both of you.

Pick the Right Moment

Don't do it before school. Don't do it at bedtime. Don't do it right before a holiday or birthday. Choose a time when there's no rush and the kids will have space to react — ideally a Friday evening or Saturday morning so they have the weekend to process without the pressure of performing normal at school.

Know What You're Going to Say

Script it out if you need to. This is not a conversation to wing. Have your talking points ready. Practice saying them out loud, because your voice is going to crack and you need to get through it.

What to Say

Keep it age-appropriate, but the core message doesn't change:

"Mom and Dad have decided we're not going to be married anymore. This is not your fault. We both love you and that will never, ever change."

That's the foundation. Everything else builds on it.

For Young Kids (3-5)

They won't understand legal concepts. They need to know: where will I sleep? Who will take me to school? Will I still see Daddy? Keep it concrete and focus on routine. "You'll still go to the same school. You'll have your same room. Daddy is going to live somewhere close and you'll see me all the time."

Expect them to seem fine and then melt down two days later at the grocery store. That's normal.

For Elementary Age (6-10)

They'll understand more but process it through a self-centered lens. They may think they caused it. You need to address that head-on, even if they don't say it. "This is a grown-up decision. You didn't do anything wrong. Nothing you could have done would change this."

They'll likely have practical questions. Answer what you can honestly. "I don't know yet" is a valid answer. It's better than making promises you can't keep.

For Tweens and Teens (11-17)

They'll understand what's happening and may already have seen it coming. They might be angry — at you, at her, at the situation. Let them be angry. Don't try to fix their feelings or explain them away. "I understand you're upset. You have every right to be. I'm here whenever you want to talk."

Teens especially may try to pick sides or play parents against each other. Don't let them. And whatever you do, don't confide in them like they're adults. They're not your friend. They're your kid. Protect that boundary.

What Not to Say

Don't blame their mother. Even if she had an affair. Even if she blindsided you. Your kids don't need that information. Ever. They'll figure things out on their own when they're older.

Don't say "nothing will change." Things will change. Lying about that destroys trust. Instead say, "Some things will be different, but the important things — like how much we love you — will always be the same."

Don't over-explain. They don't need the full story. They need reassurance. Keep it simple and leave room for questions.

Don't make promises you can't keep. "I'll always be five minutes away" or "You'll be with me every weekend" are things you may not be able to guarantee. Stick with what you know for sure.

After the Conversation

The talk itself is just the beginning. Here's what comes next:

Give them space to react. Some kids cry. Some go play video games like nothing happened. Some ask a hundred questions. Some ask none. All of those responses are normal.

Check in regularly. Not with big dramatic sit-down conversations. Just casual, consistent presence. "Hey, how are you doing with everything? I'm here if you want to talk." Then actually be there when they take you up on it.

Watch for warning signs. Changes in grades, sleep, appetite, social behavior, or mood that last more than a few weeks may signal they need professional support. A child therapist can do things for your kid that you can't, no matter how good a dad you are.

Be the stable parent. Your kids' world just shifted. Be the thing that doesn't move. Show up. Be consistent. Follow through on what you say. That matters more than any single conversation.

You're Going to Mess This Up a Little

And that's okay. There's no perfect way to tell your kids that their family is splitting apart. You're going to say something wrong. You're going to cry when you didn't want to. You're going to wonder if you said enough or too much.

What matters is that you showed up, you told the truth at a level they could handle, and you made it clear that your love for them isn't going anywhere. That's enough. The rest you figure out as you go.

For guidance on what comes next with your kids, read The Custody Playbook for Dads and Co-Parenting Without Losing Your Mind.