Should I Stay or Go?

Nobody Can Answer This for You

Let's get that out of the way first. Not your buddy. Not your mom. Not some article on the internet. This is your life, your marriage, your kids if you have them. Anyone who tells you the answer in five minutes doesn't understand the question.

But what you can do is think about it clearly. And right now, you're probably not thinking clearly. You're cycling between guilt, anger, sadness, and hope -- sometimes all before lunch. That's normal. It doesn't mean you're broken. It means this decision matters.

The Two Questions That Actually Matter

Strip away all the noise and it comes down to two things:

1. Is the relationship fixable?

Not "is it perfect." Not "is it what I imagined on my wedding day." Is it fixable? Can the core problems -- whatever they are -- actually be addressed? Some things can be worked on. Communication breakdowns, drifting apart, resentment that's built up over years. These are real problems, but they're the kind that counseling and honest effort can sometimes repair.

Other things are harder. Addiction that your partner won't address. Abuse in any direction. A fundamental mismatch in values that you both ignored for years. Infidelity -- which can sometimes be recovered from, but only if both people are genuinely committed to rebuilding trust.

2. Do both of you actually want to fix it?

This is the one people skip. It takes two people to repair a marriage. If you're the only one willing to do the work, you're not saving a marriage. You're just delaying a divorce.

Be honest about where your partner stands. Not where you hope they stand. Not where they stood three years ago. Where they actually are right now.

The Trap of "Staying for the Kids"

You've heard it. Maybe you've said it. Here's the thing -- kids are resilient, but they're also perceptive. They know when their parents are miserable. Growing up in a house full of tension, resentment, and cold silence teaches kids that this is what relationships look like.

That doesn't mean you should leave. It means "staying for the kids" shouldn't be your only reason. If you're staying, stay because the relationship has a genuine shot at getting better. Your kids deserve parents who are actually trying, not just coexisting.

Things That Are Not Good Reasons to Leave

• You had a bad month (or a bad year).
• You're attracted to someone else. Attraction fades. New relationship energy is a drug, not a plan.
• You're bored. Boredom is fixable.
• You want to "find yourself." You can do that work inside a marriage.

Things That Are Not Good Reasons to Stay

• Fear of being alone.
• Fear of what people will think.
• Financial entanglement. Money problems are solvable. Wasted years are not.
• Guilt. Guilt keeps you stuck, not happy.
• You made a vow. Vows matter. But a vow doesn't mean enduring a situation that's destroying you both.

A Practical Framework

Before you decide anything, do these three things:

Get into individual therapy. Not couples therapy yet. You first. You need a space to think without performing for anyone. A good therapist won't tell you what to do. They'll help you figure out what you actually want.

Give it a real timeline. Pick a timeframe -- three months, six months. During that time, actually try. Couples therapy. Honest conversations. Real effort. Not a half-hearted attempt so you can say you tried.

Write it down. What would need to change for you to stay? Be specific. Not "she needs to be nicer." More like "we need to be able to disagree without it turning into a three-day cold war." If you can't articulate what you need, you're not ready to decide.

The Bottom Line

This isn't a decision you make once. You'll make it and unmake it a dozen times before it sticks. That's okay. Just make sure that when you finally commit to a direction, you're doing it because you thought it through -- not because you panicked, not because someone pressured you, and not because you ran out of energy to keep asking the question.

You deserve a real answer. Give yourself the time to find it.